Alone with myself

The trees bend to caress

The shade hugs my heart.

~ Candy Polgar ~


The piano was dead. She did not know what would blow life back into the sockets of its eyes or bring music back into its body. On any other day, Saudade’s fingers would have played for her and she for them, but this day she was unable to will herself into motion.  Not even the tips of her fingers wanted to move. Yet, she sat at her piano ~ silent and numb. Everything about her was heavy, exactly how her piano looked, dark and colossal.

‘What a purposeless place,’ Saudade thought to herself. She was not able to play her music nor could she caress her keys with the same depth of feeling. She glared at her hands and her fingers. They started to wiggle, a little.  She noticed how dry and wrinkled they looked. Two worn worlds staring back at her lifelessly. She waited patiently to see if her muscles would move. They did. Her fingers tightened, cramped downward, and inward until her hands formed two fists.

Suddenly, with a force that seemed to escape from a dungeon, her fists moved skyward and then came crashing back down to earth like a comet. Her beloved keys, she crushed them with the bones inside her flesh mercilessly. Like a rock rolling off a mountain, Saudade’s head dropped. Her eyes shut. Darkness. Dragons.

Beneath her now quiet tears, it was a still small voice that woke her. “Deep heart, lift up your eyes and rise.”

The voice of the trees.

Saudade lifted her head and moved towards the window. ‘See my heart and undream my dream.’ She pressed her fingers against her mouth where he had left memories of unforgettable intensities, and continued to trace her lips. Then with those same fingers she touched the window and spread them like a fan against the glass, remembering how he would mirror his against hers. In that long wide moment, her whole world spread out before her ~ the all, the everything, the nothing. ‘Perhaps, existence is our exile and nothingness our home.’ Her heart dissolved, vanished into sky, and died.

This time, it was a sharp light that struck her feathers and woke her. As she looked outward, she looked inward, and in that space in between Saudade heard the still soft voice of the deep. It whispered, ‘the sea of your faith you will not find in the soul of your music, but in the music inside the heart of your trees.’

As Saudade continued to examine the leaves and branches dancing to the notes of existence, her dead hands heard her deep heart say, ‘stand in awe of the trees ~ and nature will tell you ~ calmly how to continue.’

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*Saudade and the voice of the trees :: my mixed media collage for Trees for Life Charity Exhibition organized by artist Trevor Jones, featured at one of my favorite artist websites Skinny Artist Live Your Art by Drew @SkinnyArtist

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*explanation of saudade – it is a Portuguese language word…, which describes a deep emotional state of nostalgic longing for something or someone that one was fond of and which is lost. Saudade was once described as “the love that remains” or “the love that stays” after someone is gone.